A Crash Course in Chinese

Chinese people are very hospitable and friendly, whenever they meet a foreign guest, they love to take you out and paint the town red. Mostly, this is done by treating you to dinner at the best restaurants and sometimes you can get taken to a massage parlor. Ever city in China seems to be famous for something, but Changsha is actually famous for foot massages.

Language problems often hinder these experience. That's why I've developed a new technique for Chinese learners to easily convince people you can speak Chinese. Through rigorous testing and retesting, I discovered many conversations follow the same set of questions. So for the last 2 months, I've spent all of my free time learning figuring out the essential questions you will be asked, and I have complied them in an easy to follow manual. If you to learn them, you can also make friendships in China.

Let's start with the Big Five. The Big Five are the five questions which start off most conversations. (For all those real Chinese speakers out there, please excuse the mistakes. Also, I can't put the tones in, so this is really a prototype to the Overnight Chinese Language program.)

1. Ni Cong Na li lai? - Where do you come from.
2. Ni duo da le?/ Ni duo da nian ji? - how old are you?
3. Ni jie hun le ma?- Are you married?
4. Ni you hai zi ma? - Do you have children?
5. Ni mei yue zhuan duo shao qian?- What is you salary? In China, they talk about being paid by the month, not year.

The great thing about knowing these introductory questions is that after you answer them other people will know who you are and will often introduce you in full. Last week in Tui na (massage department) a new patient came in and asked who I was. A fellow student said " This is Joe, he does not have a Chinese name. He is an American studying at the Hunan Traditional Chinese Medicine College. He is from New York. He is going to be here for 6 months. He is married, but does not have any children. He is Jewish. His Chinese is not bad." The same thing happened when I first met my translators. Once in a Chinese community, you are never anonymous. I then asked why everyone asks the same questions, and the answer was people want to know you are taken care of adequately, if not they would help you.

Then conversations will often drift into the food section.
6. Ni xi huan zhong gua cai ma? - do you like Chinese food. In Hunan this is followed by - ni xi huan la jiao ma?- do you like hot peppers.

Then a series of questions of have you ever eating...(fill in the blank with a Chinese dish).
7. Ni Chi guo...?
This is a great section because you get to know all about the local food, and if you can eat spicy food, they treat you like a real Hunan person. It can often lead to an invitation to then best restaurant for the certain dish and then a foot massage. All wonderful chances to practice your Chinese.

Then, to really impress you friends, be prepared for many questions about American food, fat people, beautiful women, and how much things cost in America.
8. Xi mei guo, ni men mei chi mi fan, dui ba?- In America, you do not eat rice, correct?
9. Xi mei guo, hen duo ren hen peng, Dui ba?- There are a lot of fat people in American, correct?
10. Mei guo you hen duo piao liang nu de, dui ba? The USA has a lot of beautiful women, correct?
11. Xi mei guo,.... duo shao qian?- In American, how much does...cost?

Interestingly, after bringing up American food, fat people, and beautiful women, another common topic is American politics.
12. Ni xi huan Bush zong tong?- Do you like president Bush?

So now you are ready to go out and make some friends in China. Good luck.

Images of Americans

Some of the most frequent questions you get here are about what Americans look like. From what I gather, Americans are fat, hairy, blond, beautiful, big nosed, big feet, tall people. I learned this though questions like, " You're American? But you're not fat (actually they say you have a normal body size)?" or " You're American? But you're not blond, I thought all Americans were blond?." Occasionally, people will ask me, " In American, you cannot do fire cupping (on the back) because people are too hairy." And of course, we get the " In America, are all the women beautiful?" sometimes followed by the " I heard in American, the women can weight 400KG?" with the occasional "in Yellow women skin is better than White women, that is why White men want to marry yellow women."

It's amazing how seeing many Americans with different looks here, because there are quite a few English teachers, but they still think everybody is a fat, hairy, beautiful, ogre.

By the way, those of you who read about the Paparazzi, I found out how to say it in Chinese, the Go dai dui or the Team who chases the dogs.

Wo Shi You Tai Ren (I am Jewish)

Occasionally it comes up in conversation, and I say that I am Jewish. I don't know what collective education the Chinese have about Jews, but I always get a thumbs up and the same reply. "You are Jewish? You are supposed to be very clever and good at business, and you can make a lot of money" and sometimes they throw in ," Einstein is the smartest man that ever lived and he is Jewish." When I told one of my translators about it, he said " Oh wow, this is a surprising and wonderful thing. Jewish people are suppose to be the smartest race in the entire world, they are also very good at business." Interestingly, everyone knows what Judaism is, but I may be the first Jew they ever met, at least in Changsha. It's interesting they know something about Jews, but also ask me if I am from Israel and immigrated to the USA, which is such a common question for people who really don't know anything about Jews.

Often people then ask me about my feelings towards Germany and the holocaust, and may throw in some information about how Germans identified Jews by the size of their nose or something else they saw in a movie. A few times the Jews of Shanghai, who were saved during the Holocaust are brought up. Occasionally this will lead to a discussion about the connection between Jews and Chinese, because of experiences during the second world war. But I bring up the overfeeding by grandmothers, overprotective mothers, guilt, strong families, stressing of education, and mutual love of Chinese food.

Being Jewish is popular here, although I haven't figured out if being "clever" is negative or just the word they use for intelligence. Probably both. Some of the more educated people also feel a connection because Jewish culture is very old and we have kept our traditions alive, even in the modern era and diaspora. Sometimes I say " hey we don't think you're that bad either" or I add " you know there is a tradition for American Jews to eat Chinese food on Christmas." That throws them to a loop and opens up request for singing Christmas song.

One of my teachers one day said "you know Joe, we are cousins. I am Jewish to, in my hometown of yue yang (this is not Kai Feng, a place famous for Jewish Chinese is in the North), there is a plaque with the story of Jews who were fleeing oppression and came to our town. They stayed, so everyone in my town is a little bit Jewish and that is why we have brown eyes not the black eyes most Chinese people have."

Today, after lunch, one of my Hong Kong friends asked if I was Christian, and I told him I was Jewish. He said, " Oh, you are supposed to be very smart and good at business. You are only 3% of the world population but have won 30% of the Nobel Prizes, and own 30% of the world's property and money." (I corrected him about the 3% part, we're much smaller, and voiced my skepticism about the money, seems like an articles of the protocol of Zion-esk thing.) I had to know if there was a book or movie that said this, because every Chinese person says the same thing, and he said there was recently a book called "The Intelligence of the Jews" and the cover has a the statistic he talked about. I will have to find this book, I'm not sure if it is just in Chinese or a translation.

In any case, I figure this will help my changes to get onto Chinese television, maybe with a reality show the "Secret lives of the Jews." Cameras can follow me around to classes, the hospital, and studying Chinese, as well as a trip to the bank for good measure. Maybe that's asking too much, but perhaps it could land me a spot on a CCTV9, the English language Chinese television station, "it is said that the Jews are the most intelligent race in the entire world and you are very good at business. Is this true and can you tell us your secret? I would reply " That is a very good question, the secret is two simple words- chopped liver."

Correcting (Spelling) Errors of the Past

It has been brought to my attention that my spelling is atrocious, and may be detracting from your reading experience.

My Public (that's you Grandpa Seymour) deserves better, and I will be employing the use of spell check, as well as revising the spelling mistakes of the past month.

The Changsha Street

Street life is still alive in China. Just taking a short walk in the afternoon you see people playing ma zhong and cards, fruit sellers, nuts sellers, live eels or fish, barbeque (at night the barbecue pigs ears come out), fried aged do fu (which stinks, as in smells terrible, but Changsha people think it is delicious) migrant beggers, sellers of every kind of nick nack, temporary tattoos, fake clothes, shoes, pirated DVD's for 50 cents, and my personal favorite, fortune tellers. Other than getting on Chinese television before I leave, my other big goal is to understand enough Chinese to get my fortune read. They use, what I assume is the traditional methods of the e-qing sticks, shaking a can and allowing a few to fall to the ground, then seeing what is in store. I really don't know anything about it, but one of the best parts is how a crowd gathers around to hear everyone else's fortune. Have to love the group reactions in China. There is one particular man who is often outside of the university, she is short and a little stocky, and he wears very western style tourist cloths, like Hawaiian shirts, along with a large thick round pair of glasses. He is very popular, maybe he gives the best fortunes. We shall see.

Giggling Chinese Girls

Many people warned me of the fascination with Westerners that Chinese women have, marry an American and fulfill the American dream, where the streets are all gold, everyone is blond, and wears fancy clothes. Some, including my Chinese teacher, warned me that I need to be careful because Chinese girls will throw themselves at you, buy you gifts, compliment how handsome and clever you are.

For a number of weeks, I couldn't imagine Chinese girls ever attempting to woo a foreigners. They are very passive, never say hi, and if you do, they hide their faces and giggle. Until last week, when these two shy girls, who began to wear high heels and dresses to the hospital, began a bold flirting attempt. She was bold enough to do this in clear vision of all the students and even through my translator because her English is not so good. " you are so handsome, that is why I come to this teacher's clinic everyday" and " you are so handsome, that is why I wanted to watch you needle patients and asked to see you needle technique." I chuckle this off, and thank them for the compliment, my version of the giggling.

The next day it expanded into "if you had a changsha wife you could call her Tanka (wife in Changsha local dialect, also a term of affection used for each other in groups among women)." I asked what should I call my American wife, and after that she hasn't come back to the room for more translator flirting. I suppose in Changsha, I'm the closest thing to Tom Cruise.